I have a child. A 3-year-old boy. I am also 20 weeks pregnant with my second boy. Let me tell you something: I feel different this time around.
In case you haven’t been following my blog for nigh on 5 years now, let me tell you a bit of how my first pregnancy rolled out: I wasn’t expecting it, at first I resented it, and then I obsessed over it. Once I came to grips with the idea of actually having a child, you could not keep me off the internet. I was reading every birth story, mom blog, and top 100 list I could get my eyeballs on. I created the perfect baby registry, then changed it a bunch of times. Kai and I set up the nursery, then redecorated and set it up again. We had a birth plan, an emergency plan, and a hospital bag ready by the door at 20 weeks.
This time? I basically know that I’ll give birth at some point.
But seriously this time around is so different. I don’t think I’ve read a single mom blog. I haven’t purchased a single onesie or even anything to hang on the wall. My husband and I have a vague plan for how the nursery will be set up, but that room is a spare bedroom right now. So I’m basically wondering how long after the baby comes with can survive without a nursery at all…
As I sit and think through our plan for the next few months, my mind is so much more occupied with practical issues. Issues like paying for daycare for two kids, helping Asher, my older son, adjust to a sibling, rebuilding that infernal crib, trying to remember where I packed the baby wrap… I’m not thinking about how many bottles I’ll need or what kind of bibs I’ll use.
Of course, much of this can be chalked up to experience. I have been around the block and I know what kinds of things I need to pack in a diaper bag. And listen, I also know that every child is different and what worked for one might not work for another. My point is just that the gusto for preparation is considerably less present with this pregnancy.
I’ve done a bit of soul-searching about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that this feeling, or lack thereof, is perfectly okay.
The fact that I’m not spending every waking moment immersing myself in baby information does not mean I love my second child less than I did my first. First of all, I have WAY fewer waking moments to spend in general. I have a toddler. He takes up most of my moments already. And thinking about the practical stuff doesn’t mean I’m not excited. This pregnancy was not only one that I expected but one that I hoped for. I anticipated and prayed for this pregnancy. We were actually trying this time around. I didn’t have any of the same conflicted emotions that I did the first time.
I’m busy. I’m tired. It’s not brand new like it was with Asher. I did not enroll in the Crazy Go Nuts University school of decorating a nursery. (Go Dumples!) But I know that once this baby comes, I will hold him in my arms and give him all the love I have to give. I will cherish this tiny being with the same teary-eyed passion that I did before. My emotions are different, but no less full of love.
Different does not mean less.
Maybe I’m writing this for myself more than anyone else. I just want to officially establish that even though this pregnancy may be getting less attention than my first did, that is not a reason to feel guilty. My second baby is just as precious to me as my first.
Also, I guess this is me revealing the gender to my friends, oops! Greydon Kenneth Milam is due December 6, 2019. I love him so much already. ♥
That is all.