Please don’t ask me for directions. I don’t know where I’m going.

So I quit my teaching job to write, remember? And then I came back to work as a sub and ended up taking a long-term position, meaning I’m basically the teacher in here. And then I sort of quit writing for a while. A little backwards, but hey. That’s how I roll sometimes. Who needs a plan, right?

Basically I wanted to give you all an update on where I’m at, because it’s weird.

The position I took is in a Special Ed class. I am… really loving it a lot. I’m trying to figure out a way to stay in the class for the remainder of the year so the students don’t have so much inconsistency. As it stands now, I probably have to leave after one quarter. I’ve been praying a lot about special education and what it means to me, because as I’ve been thinking about it, I am reminded of a love that I have had for special needs kids for a long time. It makes me wonder if the thing I’ve been missing in my teaching is not the teaching part but the population part… Who knows.

I will likely have to go back to school to get a Special Ed credential if that’s what I end up choosing. If you know me at all, you know that going back to school is not something that’s been in the plan up til now. I’m unsure if I should continue to pursue writing and abandon my teaching, like I felt at the beginning of the summer, or if teaching is right, but Special Ed is the answer.

I’m at war with myself because I know how fickle it all sounds.

After all, I did quit teaching. I gave away all my stickers, for crying out loud. I was ready to be done for good. My plan was set. And yet here I am, sitting in a Special Ed class being reminded of all of the reasons I started teaching in the first place. Maybe the issue is that I only had half of my calling right. Maybe I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

Then there’s also the issue of going back to school. My whole life I’ve been able to just kind of skate by and things happened in spite of my laziness. I barely worked at all in high school, and got a 3.98. I didn’t try very hard in college either, and got just over the required GPA for graduating with a teaching credential. If a teacher didn’t have an attendance policy, forget it. I wasn’t going. I could pass, even if it was just barely. This is not to toot my own horn or say how smart I am. If college taught me anything it’s that I am not as remarkable as I once believed. It’s why I didn’t ever want to go back to school. I’m a terrible student.

I have often felt that I don’t deserve to be in the place that I’m in professionally. Teaching English I was just skating by once again – barely planning ahead and not always understanding exactly what I’m actually teaching. Any of my former students will tell you that I was a big fan of the “makeup day” – a day I didn’t have to teach.

There is a part of me that is considering that maybe going back to school is God’s firm call to discipline for my life.

As I’ve written before, discipline is an integral part of Christian living. I wholeheartedly believe that, but I am very bad at it. Even with the recent push, I still struggle in a lot of areas of discipline. So maybe, by telling me to go back to school and try again, God is giving me a chance to actually earn my job. Then again, maybe I’m jumping in to this because I’ve had a few good weeks in a job I don’t hate. Maybe I should stick with the writing I had promised I would do.

So I guess all of this is to say I haven’t forgotten about my blog. I haven’t given up. I just… don’t know what life is supposed to look like for me at the moment. I’m praying earnestly and specifically that God will open and close the right doors and give me (and Kai) insight into my calling. I’m just trying to do the best job I can with the kids I have now, since I’ve failed so spectacularly at that in the past.

Read: Bloom where you’re planted.

I really want to give these kids my best, even if it’s just for a brief time. I’m still figuring out how to give my best to my job, family, and home all at once. I know it’s finding a good balance, and I will get there eventually. I just wanted to clue you all in – and maybe just get it all in writing in hopes that it will be easier to figure out.

Pray with me, if you think of it, because I am really truly at a loss. I’ve always had a plan – I’ve always known exactly what to do. God is showing me that my plans are no good and I need to trust him. It’s hard to do, y’all.

Anyway I love you all, and my plan is to write a post once a week now.

That is all.

P.s. Here’s a post that shows that there is nothing new under the sun (Son, if you’re into that kind of wordplay) Not knowing what’s right