Hey, I Want to Talk About Emus.

Okay so I came across a bit of information yesterday regarding emu researchers. Those of you who know me will know that I love random trivia-type information – like when I found out about death row inmate’s final meals. This time I discovered that when a researcher wants these giant birds to come closer for observation, they will do… well this. Watch.

I told my husband about this, and he legitimately did not believe it was real. But according to the source of the video, the emus are so freaked out by whatever the heck this weirdo is doing that they come over to check it out. I imagine they’re saying “Hey, get a load of this guy, fellow emu brother.”

So then, of course, I asked my dear unbelieving husband if he had ever heard of the Great Emu War. I swear to you at this point, this man thinks I am insane. He is thinking “my wife has officially lost all her capacity for reason. I never thought it would happen so soon.”. He is saying this out loud, too, which I do not recommend for other husbands.

But listen y’all. The Great Emu War is real. Apparently back in 1932, Australian farmers were having a real problem with a bird infestation. Now for me in the real world, this brings to mind all of the thousands of creepy crows that used to swarm our house and peck at our sun roof like actual demons. This is the mythical land of Australia, however, so something as simple as a bird infestation is decidedly not that simple.

The average male emu is 4’8″ and weighs roughly 69 pounds. The female emu averages a height of 5’1″ and generally weighs around 82 pounds. Apparently females are typically the larger of the two and are ” substantially wider across the rump”, which seems like a rude observation in my opinion.

Basically what we’re looking at is a bird my height that weighs more than twice as much as my toddler. And if that weren’t enough, emus can sprint at speeds of up to 31 mph. I have literally gotten a speeding ticket for going 31 mph. (Stupid Woodworth) These birds are stupidly big and stupidly fast. This is the bird that was considered a *pest* for Australian farmers.

So, in order to take care of the problem, the Australian government did what was obviously the most logical conclusion. They armed two full battalions of soldiers with old-timey machine guns and let them chase birds. I would just like to point out one thing here: Side note: if that isn’t a single snapshot of life I don’t know what is. Anyway The point is this: If your wife says “no I promise that’s a real thing!” be prepared for when you find out that it is, indeed, a real thing. It’s like that time my mom was all, “Oh yeah well malpractice insurance for surgeons is like $30,000 a year.” So we were like, “Yeah right how would you even know that.” Now the fact that she was right is painted across the door frame of my parent’s home in lamb’s blood. We may not know everything, but when it comes to random nonsense, the women in my family got it down on lock.

Also, Australians, I think the real takeaway here is that the creatures inhabiting your corner of the earth are trying to tell you something. With every sighting of an earthworm the size of a pair of nunchucks, or hailstones bigger than pool balls, or totally buff marsupials who will literally fight you like a man, nature is whispering a gentle message: GET OUT. Pictures of all these things can be found here, btw) So if you continue to live in places where the bats are as big as Danny Devito, that’s on you. 

That is all.