Help, My Child is Addicted to Fortnite!

So it’s come to this. Your child, aged between 9-16, has discovered the singular terror that is Fortnite. Your once smiling, ambitious child has become a monster that can only talk about skins, battlepasses, and kill counts. As a middle school teacher, I feel this pain deeply. If you have been fortunate enough to avoid this travesty, then thank the Holy Lord above that he has spared you from this plague. If however, you find yourself in sackcloth and ash, beating your chest in contrition for whatever sinful past has wrought this awful fate upon you, then I may have some helpful tips and tricks to make it through the discernible future (at least until the next awful trend through which the lord will carry our buttprints in the sand or however that goes).

First of all: Accept your plight.

your child has been ensnared by the Fortnite demon and this is a particularly tough struggle. Understand that there may be some irreparable damage done to the child’s brain. This is to be expected but can be overcome. The consistent intake of information, both in playing the game and digesting thousands of hours of Youtube playthroughs and inane conversations is almost guaranteed to alter the brain chemistry to some extent. I’m no scientist, but I know that obsession can lead to developing the condition known as “being super annoying”. This phase of your child’s life will require time and some of that sweet, sweet parental patience you have just oozing out of your pores. You will overcome. You can do this, Mom or Dad or teacher or random stranger online.

Next, do not, whatever you do, give your child your credit card information.

You may feel sorry for them, or even wish to dote upon the once affectionate child, but this child has become a monster. Often we are too close to the situation to truly understand the scope of the danger. If you give your child money to spend on this game, they will use it to buy a fancy outfit for their character and it will set them apart as someone who “does too much”. Do not allow your child to succumb to this, as it will affect the very fabric of their interpersonal relationships. Giving your child the tools to be a Fortnite player with a fancy skin will ensure that they become the kind of adult who won’t drink Aquafina because “Fiji water just tastes fresher.”

Finally: pray. Pray so much.

These trials can only be overcome through prayer and supplication. Just know that there is a network of teachers and parents who are right there in the trenches with you. We will overcome.

That is all.