UPDATE: My baby is now 2½ years old, And I have come to feel differently about many of the things I list here. I wrote this when I was very pregnant and very, very salty. It’s still a good laugh though.
Okay so being that I am now 36 weeks along, I’m going to share with you my checklist of 357 things pregnant moms need to do before the baby, 892 things to bring with you to the hospital, 63 ways to ensure that your infant will actually love you when you bring him home, 6,359 date night ideas for couples about to have a baby, and 941 foods to avoid while pregnant.
Seriously I have spent way too much time on Pinterest and various mommy blogs, and I feel like all of those could be real lists at this point. As my mother and husband have delicately pointed out to me, I spend too much time on the internet, researching how to be a good mom. And while yes, that is probably true, the real issue is not that I’m worried. I think I have a normal amount of stress right now and I actually feel pretty chill. My issue is that I’m just waiting. I’ve never been good at that.
So, in order to pass some time, I’m going to give you a list of my own – the craziest mommy things I’ve found on the internet.
- Trendy toddlers. Seriously, you know your toddler isn’t fully potty trained yet, right? And that he eats dirt? How did you even get him to keep that scarf on? There is no reason for all this mess.
- Naked (or nearly naked) maternity photo shoots. Woman – WHY are you in that field in your underwear? And you’re wearing a sweater? I get that you have somehow magically avoided stretch marks, and I’m sure that’s amazing, but c’mon lady. I know you feel like a beached whale. You’re not fooling anyone.
- Non-traditional labor positions. Are… are you going to have that baby on the toilet? On purpose??
- While I’m at it, photos during labor. – NO. I couldn’t even find a labor picture that I was comfortable having on my blog. Let’s keep private things private, ladies.
- The endless lists prepared by moms to let the rest of us know what we will absolutely need and if we don’t have all of those things in exactly that brand, how we will be failing our children and they will never get accepted into the magnet preschool that guarantees them a brighter future. Oh, and if they don’t get into the magnet preschool, forget college. Colleges don’t accept bums like your kid.
- Hospital bag checklists. I’m sure my husband and my mother are spitting out whatever they’re drinking because I have a hospital bag checklist. But I make a short checklist anytime I ever pack because if I don’t I forget things. Like my toothbrush. What I’m talking about is a hospital bag checklist with over 50 items. For example this little gem. You can click on it to see what all this crazy is bringing. I feel like this woman will need her own entourage just to carry these things.
- This – listen if you’re using your breast milk for anything other than feeding your baby, YOU ARE GROSS. I realize that may or may not be an unpopular opinion, and I do not care. Let me also tell you, I am bothered by women who feel the need to nurse, uncovered, in public. Now I am a prude. I always wear an undershirt so that I feel totally covered. I am not okay with unnecessary displays of boob (Sorry, anyone who did not expect me to be this frank, like my grandpa, probably). So why then, does it become okay to expose yourself when there is an infant attached? I don’t want to see that. Yeah, it’s natural. As my mother said, going to the bathroom is natural too, but you don’t see anybody doing that proudly in public. At least not without getting arrested.
- Pregnancy stretches that look anything like this – HAHA.
- Pinterest in general, really. I have found about a billion articles on almost every parenting/pregnancy topic that exists, and so many of them contradict each other. “Baby wearing is the best!” “Don’t wear your baby, THEY’LL DIE.” “101 recipes for cookies to leave out for Santa” “101 reasons why letting your kids believe in Santa is sending them straight to hell.” Just, as a rule, I’ve learned that people, especially women, are insane. Motherhood generally brings out the worst of these traits.
Pray for my poor husband. I’m trying not to be crazy, I really am.
That is all.